I am the only one that's left behind in the past. It seems that the history has repeated itself again. WIth lots of familiar feelings, actions to be taken at this point of time, I can't believe I actually haven't change a bit??!!!! I just wish that right here right now, there is someone that would come and save me...save me out of this misery! It is miserable! How then I can get out of this? AM I really cursed? why can't I just let it go?? what is there for me to consider more? whose heart am I afraid to break? I must be crazy. I'm afraid the next person that's going into the mental hospital would be me :) hahahahhaaa!
No matter how hard i tried! no matter what I do! I am still fail, in every aspect of my life. NIce. career, relationships, interests, hobby or just to be good at something. it seems that i just cannot catch up with the latest fashion of today's way of living.
I shall let go......then.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Time flies and I here，remained more or less the same. But people around me changed. I wondered how they did it. Again I would tell myself, it seems that they really moved on but maybe deep inside they still remain the same le... but my friend will scold me and said not to give myself excuses. Are these excuses? It doesn't sounds like excuse to me..Of all the months I keep asking myself. What do I really want for life? Just keep earning money? Why is it that other people seems to be able to get what they want but just not me? As usual, the problem is I don't know what Ｉ want. It is the easiest and irresponsible answer I can give to myself to ease all of the problems I need to face. Is it true? Maybe it is true. Or I would just say, I got tired of chasing things that I want, or maybe the things that I want just do not do any good to my daily living.
People changed. I keep finding evidences in their life to support my thesis so I could learn and change too. But when I fail, I tend to dwell back in the old past again. But at least now I am better. Or maybe I am just too used to it :) I found that people need to do certain moves to change. Such as unfriend me in Facebook, block me in Gmail Google chat, but in reality, are we really being 'unfriend'? Can a person be cured by doing all these moves? Well, maybe it does. I myself also done that, unfriend a person in facebook or block that person but I ended up in regrets. Because deep down in me, no matter what had happened in the past between me and that person, I still care for that person's well-being and sometimes just want to say, " Hey, how are you doing? " A casual greetings will do.. OR maybe with the recent advance technology that we have, people are just becoming very anti-social and hard to talk to/ more stubborn to be communicate with. Sigh~
I fail sick recently and the Christmas holidays followed by two sick leaves just make me feel better and refreshed, being able to free myself from all of the troubles and heavy thoughts that I had from workplace and daily life...I feel so good to just being able to sit down and free my mind a bit. I wish there are more of this kind of moments...
Again the question is: What is the purpose of life? :S may the Lord enlighten me...
People changed. I keep finding evidences in their life to support my thesis so I could learn and change too. But when I fail, I tend to dwell back in the old past again. But at least now I am better. Or maybe I am just too used to it :) I found that people need to do certain moves to change. Such as unfriend me in Facebook, block me in Gmail Google chat, but in reality, are we really being 'unfriend'? Can a person be cured by doing all these moves? Well, maybe it does. I myself also done that, unfriend a person in facebook or block that person but I ended up in regrets. Because deep down in me, no matter what had happened in the past between me and that person, I still care for that person's well-being and sometimes just want to say, " Hey, how are you doing? " A casual greetings will do.. OR maybe with the recent advance technology that we have, people are just becoming very anti-social and hard to talk to/ more stubborn to be communicate with. Sigh~
I fail sick recently and the Christmas holidays followed by two sick leaves just make me feel better and refreshed, being able to free myself from all of the troubles and heavy thoughts that I had from workplace and daily life...I feel so good to just being able to sit down and free my mind a bit. I wish there are more of this kind of moments...
Again the question is: What is the purpose of life? :S may the Lord enlighten me...
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Love Endearvement Game
Everyone wants to be with the love of his life. Here is a chance for you to try it out. Join the Love Endearvement Game! All you need to do is find that love of your life...
There was an island called the Serendipity Island. On this island was a very famous school called Love International University and everyone that's young and passionate about love come to study in this school.
One day, the school organized a challenge to all of the students in this university-- THe Love Endearvement Game. The rule of the game is very simple. Get the love of your life. Ask him or her be your partner in this game. Those that wins this game will get the following prizes:
Prize #1: 2 days 3 nights at Bali, Indonesia x3
Prize #2: 2 days 3 nights at Phuket，Thailand x3
Prize #3: 2 days 3 nights at Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia x3
Consolation prize: 2 days 3 nights at Serendipity Island's secret corner x1
The game is divided into four stages. Before each stage begin, the couples will be assigned homework to do and will be guarded by cameras 24 hours so to ensure no negative words will be said to the partner while they are not together and in the process of completing their tasks. Those with negative words or show signs of frustrations will be forfeited from the game. During the weekend, the couples will be called together to go through the stage together. From understanding each others' like/dislike to acting passionately around each other, the fourth stages of the game will be tested on how much the couple is willing to sacrifice for each other, even to the extend of loosing one's life.
All the students in the school were very excited about this game, especially to the prizes that's offered.
Natasha is always in loved with Adam so she had asked him to be her partner and she agreed but throughout the middle of the game, Natasha gets bored of going on getting to know more about him so she went out with a professor instead. Belin, Laova found out that she's going to die if she forfeit the rules of this game so together the two of them went to stopped her to bring her back to her room. However, on the way running back to the room, she been pulled down into the sea and can't be found. She's the first victim. Soon, one by one that forfeit the rules, having the same consequences-- gone into the water and no dead body to be found.
Things are going on strange in this island now. However, no one seems to believe Belin and Laova that these people's disappearance has to do with the Love Endearvement Game! In order to find out the truth and to save the disappeared people, Laova and Belin decided that either of their couples must win the game! Laova's partner was Hemmet ad Belin's partner was Joabahm.
Laova has been in love with Hemmet since the day she got to know him but however, Hemmet has already fallen in love with another girl but that girl do not love him so that's why he agreed to be in the game with Laova. His intention was to get the prize and then ask that girl to go with him instead of Laova.
Belin is Natasha's roommate and Laova has been staying with her since the disappearance of Natasha. The two of them are so convinced that the game was actually planned by the president of the school in revenge of the betrayal of the husband!
They found out that Love International University was founded and created by Madam Ashley Sandrason, whose husband was Andrew Sandrason, reported to be dead at the second day of their marriage. Since then, Ashley Sandrason has always misses her husband so she founded this school on her husband's island in remembrance of her late husband. So Laova made a hypothesis that Ashley Sandrason's the one behind all the disappearance cases as she want to take revenge on those unfaithful and beautiful girls. At times, she even followed Ashley Sandrason, who always disappeared in her own bedroom in the middle of the night. The only thing is that Laova can't find out where she has gone.
Meantime, Laova and Hemmet has grown closer to each other during the game. Hemmet get to know that Laova is actually a very good girl. But he has already vowed to love the other girl...
Finally, to the fourth week / fourth stage of the game. In this stage, the remained couples, which only 10 left, are to engaged in a very dangerous activity. During the activity, they are to look out for each other and to sacrifice for each other. Surprisingly, Hemmet was the one that look out for Laova more than Laova look out for him as Laova was looking for some clues to get into a secret pathway which she believes that will lead to the place where all the disappeared were kept.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Pheep!!!!! Game time finished. The fourth stages cleared. The top winner, as expected, was Laova and Hemmet, followed by Belin and Joabahm and the third highest was the girl that Hemmet loved and her partner. These three couples are entitled 2 days 3 nights in Bali where their movements will also be guarded by camera, without them knowing.
But before going to the 'honeymoon', these three couples were led by the guards of the game, blind-folded, to a mystery place. To Laova's expectation, they all come to a place where all the disappeared people were kept and each of them were blind-folded and tied to the wall too. The only thing that Laova don't expect is that Mr Andrew Sandrason, Madam Ashley's husband is still alive!
"What's the whole purpose behind this game? What do they want us to do? Why are they doing all of these to get us here? Do they want us to kill each other? What's the rule of the game now?"
While all of these questions popping in Laova's mind, Ashley broke the silent: "Welcome to Seren. Island's secret corner, the Death Coat" "The Death Coat?", thought Laova. "What does that mean?"
"Do you all think all of you is going for the little honeymoon in Bali? The game is not over yet! This is the real game!" Hissed Ashley.
"What do you want us to do?" asked Hemmet in desperation. He can't wait to offer to the girl he loved to go with him to Bali but Ashley is making him loosing his patient.
Spontaneously Madam Ashley pulled out an AK４7 and handled it over to Hemmet: " Pull the trigger and shoot your girl, and then I'll tell you what to do."
Immediately Laova break the silent："give me the gun Madam Ashley..." so Laova took the gun and point towards Andrew Sandrason. "He is the one betrayed you, right? So he should die..."
Everything happened so fast that Madam Ashley took the gun from Laova and shoot Hemmet. In pain, Laova went over to Hemmet. In a second, Hemmet fainted. "What do you want from us????!!!!!!" shouted Laova.
"Simple. All of you girls stay here and I will let your men live. Sacrifice! This is what I called sacrifice!" Replied Andrew Sandrason in excitement.
"He is just a crazy person, and Madam Ashley is one too! What should I do now!" Thought Laova.
"Shut up Andrew, you are ruining my plan! Oh my dear Laova, don't you see these girls are so beautiful? Unfortunately they all have to die, because they are not faithful to their partners, just like one that took my husband away you know :) Who was she? Right there!" Madam Ashley pointing to a dark corner where a very long hair woman tied to a wood nearby. She does not show any sign of being alive.
Laova couldn't tell now, who's the one that is crazy! All she know she need to play a psychology game with them in order to retrieve freedom.
........ TBC...
There was an island called the Serendipity Island. On this island was a very famous school called Love International University and everyone that's young and passionate about love come to study in this school.
One day, the school organized a challenge to all of the students in this university-- THe Love Endearvement Game. The rule of the game is very simple. Get the love of your life. Ask him or her be your partner in this game. Those that wins this game will get the following prizes:
Prize #1: 2 days 3 nights at Bali, Indonesia x3
Prize #2: 2 days 3 nights at Phuket，Thailand x3
Prize #3: 2 days 3 nights at Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia x3
Consolation prize: 2 days 3 nights at Serendipity Island's secret corner x1
The game is divided into four stages. Before each stage begin, the couples will be assigned homework to do and will be guarded by cameras 24 hours so to ensure no negative words will be said to the partner while they are not together and in the process of completing their tasks. Those with negative words or show signs of frustrations will be forfeited from the game. During the weekend, the couples will be called together to go through the stage together. From understanding each others' like/dislike to acting passionately around each other, the fourth stages of the game will be tested on how much the couple is willing to sacrifice for each other, even to the extend of loosing one's life.
All the students in the school were very excited about this game, especially to the prizes that's offered.
Natasha is always in loved with Adam so she had asked him to be her partner and she agreed but throughout the middle of the game, Natasha gets bored of going on getting to know more about him so she went out with a professor instead. Belin, Laova found out that she's going to die if she forfeit the rules of this game so together the two of them went to stopped her to bring her back to her room. However, on the way running back to the room, she been pulled down into the sea and can't be found. She's the first victim. Soon, one by one that forfeit the rules, having the same consequences-- gone into the water and no dead body to be found.
Things are going on strange in this island now. However, no one seems to believe Belin and Laova that these people's disappearance has to do with the Love Endearvement Game! In order to find out the truth and to save the disappeared people, Laova and Belin decided that either of their couples must win the game! Laova's partner was Hemmet ad Belin's partner was Joabahm.
Laova has been in love with Hemmet since the day she got to know him but however, Hemmet has already fallen in love with another girl but that girl do not love him so that's why he agreed to be in the game with Laova. His intention was to get the prize and then ask that girl to go with him instead of Laova.
Belin is Natasha's roommate and Laova has been staying with her since the disappearance of Natasha. The two of them are so convinced that the game was actually planned by the president of the school in revenge of the betrayal of the husband!
They found out that Love International University was founded and created by Madam Ashley Sandrason, whose husband was Andrew Sandrason, reported to be dead at the second day of their marriage. Since then, Ashley Sandrason has always misses her husband so she founded this school on her husband's island in remembrance of her late husband. So Laova made a hypothesis that Ashley Sandrason's the one behind all the disappearance cases as she want to take revenge on those unfaithful and beautiful girls. At times, she even followed Ashley Sandrason, who always disappeared in her own bedroom in the middle of the night. The only thing is that Laova can't find out where she has gone.
Meantime, Laova and Hemmet has grown closer to each other during the game. Hemmet get to know that Laova is actually a very good girl. But he has already vowed to love the other girl...
Finally, to the fourth week / fourth stage of the game. In this stage, the remained couples, which only 10 left, are to engaged in a very dangerous activity. During the activity, they are to look out for each other and to sacrifice for each other. Surprisingly, Hemmet was the one that look out for Laova more than Laova look out for him as Laova was looking for some clues to get into a secret pathway which she believes that will lead to the place where all the disappeared were kept.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Pheep!!!!! Game time finished. The fourth stages cleared. The top winner, as expected, was Laova and Hemmet, followed by Belin and Joabahm and the third highest was the girl that Hemmet loved and her partner. These three couples are entitled 2 days 3 nights in Bali where their movements will also be guarded by camera, without them knowing.
But before going to the 'honeymoon', these three couples were led by the guards of the game, blind-folded, to a mystery place. To Laova's expectation, they all come to a place where all the disappeared people were kept and each of them were blind-folded and tied to the wall too. The only thing that Laova don't expect is that Mr Andrew Sandrason, Madam Ashley's husband is still alive!
"What's the whole purpose behind this game? What do they want us to do? Why are they doing all of these to get us here? Do they want us to kill each other? What's the rule of the game now?"
While all of these questions popping in Laova's mind, Ashley broke the silent: "Welcome to Seren. Island's secret corner, the Death Coat" "The Death Coat?", thought Laova. "What does that mean?"
"Do you all think all of you is going for the little honeymoon in Bali? The game is not over yet! This is the real game!" Hissed Ashley.
"What do you want us to do?" asked Hemmet in desperation. He can't wait to offer to the girl he loved to go with him to Bali but Ashley is making him loosing his patient.
Spontaneously Madam Ashley pulled out an AK４7 and handled it over to Hemmet: " Pull the trigger and shoot your girl, and then I'll tell you what to do."
Immediately Laova break the silent："give me the gun Madam Ashley..." so Laova took the gun and point towards Andrew Sandrason. "He is the one betrayed you, right? So he should die..."
Everything happened so fast that Madam Ashley took the gun from Laova and shoot Hemmet. In pain, Laova went over to Hemmet. In a second, Hemmet fainted. "What do you want from us????!!!!!!" shouted Laova.
"Simple. All of you girls stay here and I will let your men live. Sacrifice! This is what I called sacrifice!" Replied Andrew Sandrason in excitement.
"He is just a crazy person, and Madam Ashley is one too! What should I do now!" Thought Laova.
"Shut up Andrew, you are ruining my plan! Oh my dear Laova, don't you see these girls are so beautiful? Unfortunately they all have to die, because they are not faithful to their partners, just like one that took my husband away you know :) Who was she? Right there!" Madam Ashley pointing to a dark corner where a very long hair woman tied to a wood nearby. She does not show any sign of being alive.
Laova couldn't tell now, who's the one that is crazy! All she know she need to play a psychology game with them in order to retrieve freedom.
........ TBC...
Friday, February 25, 2011
Looking Back
Looking back, I had wrote so many posts about my past relationship. Now is 2011 already, and I finally had make a complete settlement between us. Moving on is an definite answer, but there is still side-effect to erase. However, with God's help, all things are possible :)
Looking back, I had changed three jobs since I graduated and right now I am looking for a new job. I have been in the mission of job hunting for about two months already. In the process of job hunting, I realized I am moving away from what I used to study originally- Psychology and Education, teaching supposed to be my major field but now I am looking towards student affair field, or education counselor. What is going on in me? How else will I change now? To what profession? Where will I end up in life?
Looking back, I had been away from God yet I renewed my covenant with Him. Now seems like I am straying away again. How can that be? Somehow fighting between my superstitious believe and what He wants me to do, that is the reason for this struggle to happen. If i believe in my own superstitious belief, I will be far away from Him, in contrary if I take His Word by Word, I will get closer to Him.
Looking forward now, God is still in control of my life; want it or not, believe or not, take it or not. I will just live my life day after day in His steps. Cos He is walking with me, every second of my life.
Looking back, I had changed three jobs since I graduated and right now I am looking for a new job. I have been in the mission of job hunting for about two months already. In the process of job hunting, I realized I am moving away from what I used to study originally- Psychology and Education, teaching supposed to be my major field but now I am looking towards student affair field, or education counselor. What is going on in me? How else will I change now? To what profession? Where will I end up in life?
Looking back, I had been away from God yet I renewed my covenant with Him. Now seems like I am straying away again. How can that be? Somehow fighting between my superstitious believe and what He wants me to do, that is the reason for this struggle to happen. If i believe in my own superstitious belief, I will be far away from Him, in contrary if I take His Word by Word, I will get closer to Him.
Looking forward now, God is still in control of my life; want it or not, believe or not, take it or not. I will just live my life day after day in His steps. Cos He is walking with me, every second of my life.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Your Shadow
It feels like rather dejavu for me today. I wakes up, feel the air around me, felt like one of those days when we were together...you will come around or we will go out, while I work hard on my exams. It was also around this time too. Except that now you are near, but you won't appear in front of me. Sometimes I was thinking, what will happen if your car is right outside of that familiar doorstep now. How thrill I will be to see you getting out of that car! And fall into your shade and feel your warmth and that familiar scent of yours clouding around me! And then we spend the rest of the time together talking and have our romantic meals together...feels like the time just stopped, for the two of us.
I feel so tempted to message you to tell you how I feel all these while. There are just so many things I want to tell you right from the bottom of my heart. But I know you will show unhappiness in your face from the moment you see my name on your calling list when your phone asking you to pick up the phone...
I still cannot believe how all of these had ended...it is still a continuation for me all these while, though contact with you less, and see you less. From desiring to see you all the time, now if I can see you for one second is more than enough, even if it means see and watch you from far, best is when you didn't realize it at all...all I wanna ask you...Do you still love me? Do you feel the pain that I feel? The pain is actually nothing...they are gone when I am near you. They are comforted when I am near you...that feeling is just so good.
I don't know if I can let you go when the moment comes...as I had set it for myself...when its time for you to embark into a new world. But I will continue to be strong, and make a significant change in my life, so the faster I can go back to your side, one day...as you had describe it to me...just please do not put fullstop between us yet...ever...because it has never been a fullstop to me since we begun...oh my tears are falling!
I feel so tempted to message you to tell you how I feel all these while. There are just so many things I want to tell you right from the bottom of my heart. But I know you will show unhappiness in your face from the moment you see my name on your calling list when your phone asking you to pick up the phone...
I still cannot believe how all of these had ended...it is still a continuation for me all these while, though contact with you less, and see you less. From desiring to see you all the time, now if I can see you for one second is more than enough, even if it means see and watch you from far, best is when you didn't realize it at all...all I wanna ask you...Do you still love me? Do you feel the pain that I feel? The pain is actually nothing...they are gone when I am near you. They are comforted when I am near you...that feeling is just so good.
I don't know if I can let you go when the moment comes...as I had set it for myself...when its time for you to embark into a new world. But I will continue to be strong, and make a significant change in my life, so the faster I can go back to your side, one day...as you had describe it to me...just please do not put fullstop between us yet...ever...because it has never been a fullstop to me since we begun...oh my tears are falling!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sorrow...
I might go crazy one day. I want to be recovered! But when I see you I am like someone from another world! I did so many clumsy things last nite before knowing that I will be meeting you:
First is the most crazy one- My violin flew from my shoulder straight to the floor!
Second: My elbow hit my friend's head
Third: I spill the milk on my table
Fourth: I feel extremely nervous the whole night...I can still feel it now......
IT feels so weird to see you quiet and yet I am supposed to sit beside you and see what you are doing...It hurts me alot to see you quiet and not talking to other people and other people are busy talking to each other...I realize before you are not like that...When I look at you I can realize a door to your heart has been closed...Why you want to be like this? DO you know that up to today I still cannot understand why you call off our relationship...that is why my heart cannot find the full stop to stop thinking about you..and that is very hurting!
Is it cruelty that a man have towards handling the breaking of relationship? Be so cool like a totally opposite person that I used to know?
I must find ways to end all of these...I must find ways to tell my brain the opposite things I can feel about you....but why I can always find a hole in my heart that telling my brain not to be so cruel towards you....:(:(:((((((((
First is the most crazy one- My violin flew from my shoulder straight to the floor!
Second: My elbow hit my friend's head
Third: I spill the milk on my table
Fourth: I feel extremely nervous the whole night...I can still feel it now......
IT feels so weird to see you quiet and yet I am supposed to sit beside you and see what you are doing...It hurts me alot to see you quiet and not talking to other people and other people are busy talking to each other...I realize before you are not like that...When I look at you I can realize a door to your heart has been closed...Why you want to be like this? DO you know that up to today I still cannot understand why you call off our relationship...that is why my heart cannot find the full stop to stop thinking about you..and that is very hurting!
Is it cruelty that a man have towards handling the breaking of relationship? Be so cool like a totally opposite person that I used to know?
I must find ways to end all of these...I must find ways to tell my brain the opposite things I can feel about you....but why I can always find a hole in my heart that telling my brain not to be so cruel towards you....:(:(:((((((((
Monday, May 10, 2010
Just so weird
Sometimes I just dont know what you are thinking about. There are times where you really making me confuse. Sometimes I just wonder why you are so different. I sent message or comments to your facebook you dont answer, which I comfort myself by telling myself that you are just too busy to get online or no chance to get online but oh no! You reply the others....that makes me what? An invincible person for you? What do you really want from me!!!!
There was a period of time where I dont contact you for few days, because sms you is like an addiction that I had put on myself. But I dont know why, you contact me instead! It is like you are asking me to move on and then you dont realize what you want to do with yourself instead! Hey man, that is very confusing! What is happening! IF you want to move on, dont find me anymore! Dont make me go through the process and then drag me back from there again! I feel so exhausted ok!
Now you are on holiday which I am quite sure you are having a good time, even though I am worry about your safety...I found it is kind of hard for me to stop worry about you....why? ANd I wonder why you can be so cold hearted to just treat me like nobody to you!
All I am doing now is complaining...which is not good huh. hahahhaha! I should find ways and get rid of you from my head. because I had done so many things for you, but you dont appreciate it...so what else can i say...
There was a period of time where I dont contact you for few days, because sms you is like an addiction that I had put on myself. But I dont know why, you contact me instead! It is like you are asking me to move on and then you dont realize what you want to do with yourself instead! Hey man, that is very confusing! What is happening! IF you want to move on, dont find me anymore! Dont make me go through the process and then drag me back from there again! I feel so exhausted ok!
Now you are on holiday which I am quite sure you are having a good time, even though I am worry about your safety...I found it is kind of hard for me to stop worry about you....why? ANd I wonder why you can be so cold hearted to just treat me like nobody to you!
All I am doing now is complaining...which is not good huh. hahahhaha! I should find ways and get rid of you from my head. because I had done so many things for you, but you dont appreciate it...so what else can i say...
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